Marital Satirist Gifts

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Andrew, I'm breaking off our romance. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't stay married.'

"It was peaceful - I listed his faults the one last time and he drifted away."

'That marriage is endless cycle of disappointment and sacrifice?"

'Yeah... It's a wedding ring... I wear it on the wrong finger because I'm married to the wrong man.'

'It's from my father. He heard about our pending divorce and he wants a refund for the wedding.'

Shacking up Bureau

'Roger was always true. He didn't smoke or drink, he knew how to handle money, he always drove according to the regulations and he never used swear words. I gave him his marching orders because he bored me to death.'

"And is there any particular reason Mrs Muglewump for you wanting to divorce your 93 year old billionaire husband?"

"My wife of fifty years would kill me if she knew I was having this affair."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"You call that worrying?"