Married Life Satirist Gifts

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

The finer points of marriage.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'