Spouse Satirist Gifts

'I forgot my claim ticket, but I had a red blouse, two skirts and a disagreeable husband.'

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

His and Hers.

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

"I submit to the committee the document of your unfinished screenplay, is it your testimony today that you told your wife it would be finished by now?"

"I’ll give you my answer in ... just ... one ... minute."

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'