Satirical Couple Gifts

'Can I just have the money?'

Uff Da! Oscar and Ingrid were happily married for only a short time...

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Stand-up Romcom

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, What do you think of younger men? -kl. *(Actual reader letter) Ask Sadie at rudy@rudypark.com. Depends. Younger men have strong jaws and rock-hard abs, but they're missing the sexiest thing: they're not crotchety jerks, set in their ways, willing to argue about anything and say totally stupid things. Hey, doesn't that foul old wretch realize I've got rock-hard abs and a steel jaw?! (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-07-12)

"I know that on-line dating service claims a 90% success rate, but let's face it, Henry, we're in that other ten percent!"

"It's been over for a while now. I caught him trying to fertilize some catfish eggs in June."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''