Satirical Couple Life Gifts

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"Bottled or breast?"

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

Roach Motel

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

The Swat Team of 15-L

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

Man putting his brain in glass before bed.

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

'Hey, honey, remember when I told you to expect a big surprise on our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Cliff - SURPRISE!'

'That's the mental cruelty pair,she's cruel and he's mental.'

"I wanted to capture the essence of my wife when I painted her. . . I think I succeeded, doc."

'He came back home. Ran out of money.'

"You may now start packing on the pounds."

"My wife of fifty years would kill me if she knew I was having this affair."

'My wife's an optician'