Satirical Couple Life Gifts

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"Bottled or breast?"

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

Roach Motel

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'Can I just have the money?'

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

"I can't sentence your husband to hard time in this court, and having met you, it would be unnecessarily redundant."

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

The Swat Team of 15-L

Man putting his brain in glass before bed.

'Hey, honey, remember when I told you to expect a big surprise on our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Cliff - SURPRISE!'

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

'He came back home. Ran out of money.'

"I wanted to capture the essence of my wife when I painted her. . . I think I succeeded, doc."

'That's the mental cruelty pair,she's cruel and he's mental.'

'My wife's an optician'

'You've got to be brave now... I'm not going to leave you in 2009!'