Satirical Family Life Gifts

"You've got to stop biting it. How long is your mother-in-law staying with you."

'He came back home. Ran out of money.'

The First Test Of Parenthood

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"Bottled or breast?"

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

'I think this mother might prefer a different planter.'

"You missed breakfast and lunch and haven't left your bed so it's not worth you getting up now. Good night!"

"But if I close the drawer, won't my breathable underwear suffocate?"

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

Eat your vegetables

Roach Motel

'If you're such a great dad, how come I never see you on TELEVISION?'

Even before we began to order in, my dad was always keen to skip the dishes!

"We have big news!"

Scooting Death

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"I agree, it's a real worry. We may have to consider limiting her screen time."

"We're still working out joint custody."

"I told you a pet is a lot of responsibility. Now, take your balloon dog out for some air."

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

'Can I just have the money?'

The Swat Team of 15-L

"Please stop using the phrase, 'I wasn't born yesterday'."

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

'Can I have a glass of water?'

Motherhood in its simplest form.

"Turn off the TV and go to bed - I'm your mother, and I approved this message."

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'