Family Life Humor Gifts

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

'You aren't very good with children, are you Dad?'

Tired mum vacuums baby

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

Baby cries into a cellphone.

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

"Sure they love us, but once we turn 18 and are no longer a tax deduction, they'll tell us to move out!"

Is your homework finished? It's almost a snow day. No way

Adult Absence Notes.

"Bottled or breast?"

'How long did you try before calling?'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

'You kids stop fighting or I swear, I will turn this banana around!'

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'Baby's got his first blue tooth!'

"Grandma is really nice but she makes a mean cookie."

"Sure you take off with the flock and leave me here stuck with the kids!"

'Could you direct me to the balloon animal enclosure?'