Family Life Humor Gifts

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

'You aren't very good with children, are you Dad?'

Tired mum vacuums baby

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

Baby cries into a cellphone.

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

'How long did you try before calling?'

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

Adult Absence Notes.

"Bottled or breast?"

"Sure they love us, but once we turn 18 and are no longer a tax deduction, they'll tell us to move out!"

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'You kids stop fighting or I swear, I will turn this banana around!'

'Baby's got his first blue tooth!'

'It's so embarrassing. My mother had my tadpole tail bronzed!'

'Could you direct me to the balloon animal enclosure?'

"Grandma is really nice but she makes a mean cookie."

Feeding the baby

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'