Family Humor Gifts

Danny reminds his dad that he had forgotten to pay him for raking the yard.

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"I trademarked my name, so now you'll need to pay me to use it."

'Rising damp? Nah! That's our Nan with her pot of tea. Terrible hiccups always. . .'

'C'mon, Dad, let me borrow it. I'll be careful. I won't scratch it. What harm can come to a credit card?'

"Once this commercial is over, I'll have a number of questions on erectile dysfunction."

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

"Junior. Drink your blood before it clots"

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

"Well, if you've got 'nothing to wear' why am I constantly doing laundry?"

"You can be whatever you want to be, but you'll probably turn out like me."

What's wrong with the TV? IT keeps changing to the cartoons! (son sitting behind mom with the remote control).

Car with 'Baby on Board' sticker. Son in back says - 'But Mum, Dad, I'm 17...'

"My dad works in surveillance."

The invisible man, as a child.

"I don't like these video games. They're too violent...too loud...and worst of all, you don't have to use your imagination!"

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'And Rachel, if you're not back by midnight, this video of you taking a bath in our kitchen sink when you were 2 is getting posted on Youtube.'

'Son, as I can see it, your career prospects as a pirate seem to be... hm...limited!'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Papi, I made up a riddle!"

'Nice job. You just made me a middle child. Years of therapy, here I come.'

"Listen, son. Don't worry if you don't win. I'll be absolutely fine coping with the huge feeling of disappointment."

"Jonathan Scott Henshaw! You'd better not have your little brother in that trash bag...again!"

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

"Yes, Mother. I can see you've been to the hairstylist."

'I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took the mother-in-law to the airport!'

"If you don't stop nagging I'm gonna hop on this thing and keep on going!"

How can we cut down on Twig's showers? Good luck. I give up. Splash. $5 says I can get her out. You're on! Ryan Beardsley is on the phone! $.

"That's not an emoji -- the dog ate your Mr Potato Head."

'Well, are you wearing clean underwear or not?'

Now, dear, he's not bad, he's just overtired.

But, mom, I don't want to go to summer camp!