Quirky Family Humor Gifts

'My beautiful little baby - perfect in every way.'

'My dad used the exact same word yesterday. Does he have to come here too?'

'If you're planning to move back in here with your mother and me, you'll have to abide by our rules.'

The Family Joules: Part 5

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

"Two boys from legal to see you."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

'His dad was!'

Baby cries into a cellphone.

'He didn't learn that from me!'

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

Mummy?!

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

"Put it on my tab."

'Of course the tooth fairy never came. Those were your Grandma's false teeth you put under your pillow.'

"When can I redeploy?"

'He's got your mother's teeth.'

Adult Absence Notes.

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

How Moms explain.