Quirky Family Stories Gifts

"The worst part about being a test tube baby is that my dad was a mad scientist."

"Feel free to take notes."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Biggles has a more staid adventure.

"Where's your nose?"

"Two boys from legal to see you."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"Can you tell me the story again about how you swiped right on Dad?"

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"When I was a little girl...my mami had really good remedies for our aches and pains."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Monster mobiles.'

'Who turned up the thermostat?'

"I'll explain later."

Thank you for visiting us again Son... Can I still call you Son? You are so handsome now...

"Okay, I'm not the fastest gun in the west. . . but I am the fastest gun in my immediate family!"

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"You're like the grandpa I never had, Mort." "You never knew your grandpappy, Randy?" "Oh, no, I knew him. Grandpa Randy was an intrepid archaeologist who broke hearts and defeated villains all over the world." "‘Indiana Randy’s’ life story became the stuff of legend. They even made some movies based on his exploits." "I'm just saying you're nothing like him." "I was going to see those films back in the '80s, but the matinees were past my bedtime."

"Everyone here is alive because I got laid."

"Pianissimo! Pianissimo!"