Family Humor Pillows

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"I trademarked my name, so now you'll need to pay me to use it."

'Rising damp? Nah! That's our Nan with her pot of tea. Terrible hiccups always. . .'

'C'mon, Dad, let me borrow it. I'll be careful. I won't scratch it. What harm can come to a credit card?'

"Once this commercial is over, I'll have a number of questions on erectile dysfunction."

"Junior. Drink your blood before it clots"

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"You can be whatever you want to be, but you'll probably turn out like me."

"Well, if you've got 'nothing to wear' why am I constantly doing laundry?"

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

What's wrong with the TV? IT keeps changing to the cartoons! (son sitting behind mom with the remote control).

Car with 'Baby on Board' sticker. Son in back says - 'But Mum, Dad, I'm 17...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'Nice job. You just made me a middle child. Years of therapy, here I come.'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'Son, as I can see it, your career prospects as a pirate seem to be... hm...limited!'

The invisible man, as a child.

"My dad works in surveillance."

'I don't like the look of yours...'

"Papi, I made up a riddle!"

"I don't like these video games. They're too violent...too loud...and worst of all, you don't have to use your imagination!"

"Listen, son. Don't worry if you don't win. I'll be absolutely fine coping with the huge feeling of disappointment."

Adult Absence Notes.

"Can't you just be happy for them?"

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

"Yes, Mother. I can see you've been to the hairstylist."

"Tell your father that garbage was on Tuesday."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"Hey, gramma. What happened to the money you got from selling grandpa's fishing boat?"

Young boy gives grandfather advice on smoking

"Losing your appetite is common...when Tia Carmen does the cooking."

'Ronan Keating just called - but it was a wrong number!'

"OK! OK! I get the message! Your recliner, not mine!"

'Well, are you wearing clean underwear or not?'