Family Comedy Pillows

'Daddy doesn't know why birds migrate. Ask me about ways to avoid probate.'

'He says I look like Hugh Hefner - how does HE know Hugh Hefner'

'That one I got in my daughter's bedroom!'

Home Alone.

"Mum, stop it, this isn't reality T.V.!" "Shh or I'll vote you out."

"I've got something to tell you,Dad-I don't like fish...I mean I REALLY don't like fish...I HATE fish,Dad-there,I've said it now."

Clown's baby has huge feet.

"No, I thought YOU put the picnic basket in the car."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"