Family Comedians Pillows

"I guess we'd be considered a family. We're living together, we love each other, and we haven't eaten the children yet."

"I'm warning you - peas and carrots are gateway vegetables."

'Grandma, have you ever thought of just upgrading Grandpa's operating system?'

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'

"But mother, you don't have to call me father. I'm still your son, you know."

'I don't want to hear another 'Are we there yet?'. And that goes for you kids too!'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

'I learned in school today that you two have been living your lives all wrong.'

Crocodile Tears.

Pardon me! My being born was your idea, not mine!

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

'Go ask your other mother.'

'You remind me of my mother - She's always telling me what to do, too!'

"Sure I know the value of a dollar. Every time I ask for one you remind me."

"I'm thankful for not being a turkey."

'Just remember...if we get married, we're gonna have four parents!'

'Do Katie's braces count as 'precious metals'?'

Christmas quarrels

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Hi, mom! We've got to boil water before we can drink it and dad needs the recipe!'

"So, what are you doing for the rest of your life?..."

'Now wait, Mom -- I can explain everything!'

"Dad fell asleep while working on his computer, so I buried him in sand. Not because it was fun, but because I wanted to use his computer."

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

"The kids may have left the nest, but they were kind enough to leave some reminders just in case we get lonely."

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"I did show and tell over the internet with your diary!"

"I want you both to know that I'm unhappy about the way things are run around here, and there are going to be some changes made..."

"I can't believe we have to drive all this way without any decent entertainment in the car."

'I can see where Billy gets his vivid imagination, Mr. and Mrs. Sims.'

"Doesn't Dad know about child labor laws?"

"Every time my grandma comes over she squeezes my cheek...I think that's what they call the old age pinchin'!"

"Gracie, remember how you wanted me to go on that school field trip tomorrow...and I said I was too busy? Well, my appointment has been canceled, so I can go!"

"Yes, I can see the excitement in Young Master's eyes and I can smell fear in Master and Mistress: looks like the school holidays are coming..."