Family Comedians Pillows

"I guess we'd be considered a family. We're living together, we love each other, and we haven't eaten the children yet."

"I'm warning you - peas and carrots are gateway vegetables."

'Grandma, have you ever thought of just upgrading Grandpa's operating system?'

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'

"But mother, you don't have to call me father. I'm still your son, you know."

'I don't want to hear another 'Are we there yet?'. And that goes for you kids too!'

'I learned in school today that you two have been living your lives all wrong.'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

Crocodile Tears.

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

Pardon me! My being born was your idea, not mine!

Christmas quarrels

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Do Katie's braces count as 'precious metals'?'

'Just remember...if we get married, we're gonna have four parents!'

"I'm thankful for not being a turkey."

"Sure I know the value of a dollar. Every time I ask for one you remind me."

'You remind me of my mother - She's always telling me what to do, too!'

'Go ask your other mother.'

'Why don't you just admit it? You only wanted children as a substitute for not having any pets.'

"Doesn't Dad know about child labor laws?"

'I can see where Billy gets his vivid imagination, Mr. and Mrs. Sims.'

"I can't believe we have to drive all this way without any decent entertainment in the car."

"I want you both to know that I'm unhappy about the way things are run around here, and there are going to be some changes made..."

'I kinda did.'

"I did show and tell over the internet with your diary!"

"It's your turn to change his diaper!"

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"The kids may have left the nest, but they were kind enough to leave some reminders just in case we get lonely."

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

"Dad fell asleep while working on his computer, so I buried him in sand. Not because it was fun, but because I wanted to use his computer."

'Now wait, Mom -- I can explain everything!'

"So, what are you doing for the rest of your life?..."

'Hi, mom! We've got to boil water before we can drink it and dad needs the recipe!'