Parental Comedians Pillows

"Your mother and I have seen your report card, and we've decided to distance ourselves from you."

"Kaitlin! Daddy is trying to explain the infield fly rule!"

'Oh, wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

'We haven't decided on a name yet, but we were thinking 'Rhythm Method' might be wryly appropriate.'

Contraction Tipping Competition

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."