Parental Comedian Pillows

'I didn't want anything. I just wanted to see how fast you could get here in case of an emergency!'

'I understand you are going to be my son's teacher this year. Let me start off by saying: I am so so sorry!'

'Yes, Bobby, we are there. In fact, you can jump out any time you like.'

"So much for eternal rest."

'Don't forget to wear a jacket.'

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'

'Ronald, your father and I think you're old enough to know...'

'All I'm saying is that maybe he doesn't want to sell girl scout cookies.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."