Comedian Parent Pillows

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

"Which one's yours?"