Comedian Parent Pillows

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

"Which one's yours?"