Comedian Pet Parent Pillows

'You've done it AGAIN,Doris- you've bought CAT food!!'

'I put it up just for his self-esteem.'

"If he tries to dip, Mrs. Callister, you mustn't hesitate to use the choke chain."

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

Conversation between Dogs.

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Donald, the dog wants to get back in."

Good, but not Great Danes.

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

'He knows that when I eat like a hog, it's time for a jog.'

Beware of teething baby.

"You stop it, now!"

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"Well, if it wasn't you who meowed, and it certainly wasn't me who meowed...then...who...meowed?"

"Are you walking the dog? We live on the third floor!"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"Is our owner hot?"

'You're lucky you can't read.'

'Dad's my roadie.'

"Whenever mom and dad go out without us, they suffer from whatever the opposite of separation anxiety is."

'The news has started a MarmWatch segment as a public service.'

'I tried to teach him to shake, but he'd rather do 'high fives'.'

'Yeah, but how does the stork get into the maternity ward?'

'What did I tell you about feeding your pet beaver table scraps?'

"Courtney: Raised by hamsters"

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

"It's not easy, the constant demand for attention, the fussing and crying..."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

Tinder for dogs

"Leave the toilet."

"Guess what I learned in band class today?"

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'