Humorist Pet Parent Pillows

'I tried to teach him to shake, but he'd rather do 'high fives'.'

"If he tries to dip, Mrs. Callister, you mustn't hesitate to use the choke chain."

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

Conversation between Dogs.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"Donald, the dog wants to get back in."

Good, but not Great Danes.

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"You stop it, now!"

'He knows that when I eat like a hog, it's time for a jog.'

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

'What makes you say I spoil the cat?'

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"Well, if it wasn't you who meowed, and it certainly wasn't me who meowed...then...who...meowed?"

"Is our owner hot?"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

"Are you walking the dog? We live on the third floor!"

'You're lucky you can't read.'

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

'The news has started a MarmWatch segment as a public service.'

"Courtney: Raised by hamsters"

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

'What did I tell you about feeding your pet beaver table scraps?'

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

Tinder for dogs

Don't forget to feed the python...

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

"Guess what I learned in band class today?"

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

"Leave the toilet."

'Pet, we've got to talk.'