Humorist Pet Parent Pillows

'I tried to teach him to shake, but he'd rather do 'high fives'.'

"If he tries to dip, Mrs. Callister, you mustn't hesitate to use the choke chain."

Conversation between Dogs.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"Donald, the dog wants to get back in."

Good, but not Great Danes.

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"You stop it, now!"

'He knows that when I eat like a hog, it's time for a jog.'

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

'What makes you say I spoil the cat?'

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

"Are you walking the dog? We live on the third floor!"

"Is our owner hot?"

"Well, if it wasn't you who meowed, and it certainly wasn't me who meowed...then...who...meowed?"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'You're lucky you can't read.'

"Courtney: Raised by hamsters"

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

'What did I tell you about feeding your pet beaver table scraps?'

'The news has started a MarmWatch segment as a public service.'

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

Don't forget to feed the python...

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

Tinder for dogs

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

'Pet, we've got to talk.'

"Quick, act casual."

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

"Leave the toilet."

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

"Guess what I learned in band class today?"