Family Humorist Pillows

'I'll compromise. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I'm right.'

'Clean up your room and stop telling your brother he's an app you downloaded to do the job.'

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"Sure, you have a father. It's just that when you were born, I decided to stay at home and he decided to stay at work."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

'That's your Uncle Joe. He's the black sheet of the family.'

"Sure I know right from wrong. Right is what Mom tell's us to do."

Grandma Dean looked at Bobby. Bobby looked at Grandma Dean. Someone wet the bed, but a confession was not in the cards.

Kid to elderly lady: 'Grandma, you rock.'

Grandmother's house has sign 'Kids spoiled while U wait.'

'Am I glad to get that straightened out. Now, I can go home and explain it to my dad.'

'Dear Mom and Dad, I'm running away from home to join the circuits.'

"Let me touch them for you, son."

Mother's Day: 'I need a three letter word that means 'Totally Awesome Person'?'

'Mom, is the baby my sequel or a spin-off?'

"Ok kids, it's Father's Day, so when Dad comes in, act as though you know who he is!"

"Maybe we should get the second-aid kit."

'Attack!'

Mom Spit Cleaner.

'It's not who you know or what you know that helps you succeed. It's what you know about who you know, that you can hold over their head, that will help you succeed.'

'At first I wanted a brother, but I've changed my mind... I want a puppy now.'

"Since technically I got my genes from you, the F minuses are yours!"

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

Why there are moms

'If I promise to be good for the next 30 years, can I have some sweets Dad?'

'What do you mean, 'you're conserving your baby kissing lips for the campaign trail'?... This is your son!'

"I guess we're kind of the Marsalis Family in reverse

Auntie Bodies

'Mom, why do I have to wash both hands? I only eat with one of them.'

"Go bother your mother. She's only reading chick lit."

'Wow!... He really has Dad pegged...'

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

'You never knew you father. He drove into a pothole on Spruce Street.'

'You don't have to worry about paying for that 'new paint job on the car' anymore Dad.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"