Quirky Family Humorist Pillows

'We're measuring the tub to see how big an alligator we can get!'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Glance Exchange

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"