Quirky Family Humorist Pillows

'We're measuring the tub to see how big an alligator we can get!'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'