Family Comedist Pillows

"This says the median age for Hispanics in the United States is 27...the median age for all the other groups is much higher."

"I understand there may have been some supply chain issues."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Growth Charts

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"