Family Comedian Pillows

"Sorry, guess I didn't get the email, the DMs, the Snaps, the Facebook comments, the LinkedIn messages, or the TikTok duets."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'No, grandma, hashtags are not something you order with eggs.'

"It's your mother. She's floated back."

"I trademarked my name, so now you'll need to pay me to use it."

The Couple who Adopted an Adult Child

"Is everything all right, Jeffrey? You never call me 'dude' anymore."

Wine - "He's got your nose."

'My grandkids came to visit. They talked mostly about world politics. Kept asking me how I felt about the youth in Asia.'

'Hey - don't blame ME...it's YOUR D.N.A.'

'Sometimes I wish Daddy wasn't a bankruptcy lawyer. No matter what book he reads to me, he's only interested in chapter 11.'

"Ever since we were burgled he's become much more security conscious"

"Hey, look - Mom left us an internal memo."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

'it enables the modern family to gather around a table and dine together.'

Though Bob was 32, he still got stuck at the little table.

'... But darling, you're not my mother... It's her responsibility to buy you a mother's day card, not mine.'

The apartment 5-J Film Festival.

"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy."

Family argument: 'Download peace and goodwill' on computer.

'I'm going to say prayers. Anybody want anything?'

'Gramma, can you help with my homework?'

Leave Dad Alone- Next 200 Miles

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'I hope your temperature is normal too, like Spots was.'

'Don't touch that last piece of pie...I've got my eye on it!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"But I am responsible! When your lamp got broke, I was responsible...."

'Dad, do you really think trying to sell me life insurance counts as quality time?'

'My mom's pregnant. At first I was worried about the competition until I remembered that I was the incumbent.'

Harold's suspicions are finally confirmed - 'Son, you're adopted!'

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'Eat the damn spinach. When you're eighteen you can have a mind of your own.'