Family Comedian Pillows

"Sorry, guess I didn't get the email, the DMs, the Snaps, the Facebook comments, the LinkedIn messages, or the TikTok duets."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'No, grandma, hashtags are not something you order with eggs.'

"It's your mother. She's floated back."

"I trademarked my name, so now you'll need to pay me to use it."

'Hey - don't blame ME...it's YOUR D.N.A.'

The Couple who Adopted an Adult Child

Wine - "He's got your nose."

"Is everything all right, Jeffrey? You never call me 'dude' anymore."

'My grandkids came to visit. They talked mostly about world politics. Kept asking me how I felt about the youth in Asia.'

'Sometimes I wish Daddy wasn't a bankruptcy lawyer. No matter what book he reads to me, he's only interested in chapter 11.'

"Ever since we were burgled he's become much more security conscious"

'... But darling, you're not my mother... It's her responsibility to buy you a mother's day card, not mine.'

"Hey, look - Mom left us an internal memo."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

Though Bob was 32, he still got stuck at the little table.

'it enables the modern family to gather around a table and dine together.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Family argument: 'Download peace and goodwill' on computer.

'Gramma, can you help with my homework?'

Leave Dad Alone- Next 200 Miles

'Dad, do you really think trying to sell me life insurance counts as quality time?'

'My mom's pregnant. At first I was worried about the competition until I remembered that I was the incumbent.'

Harold's suspicions are finally confirmed - 'Son, you're adopted!'

"But I am responsible! When your lamp got broke, I was responsible...."

'Don't touch that last piece of pie...I've got my eye on it!'

'I'm going to say prayers. Anybody want anything?'

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

'I hope your temperature is normal too, like Spots was.'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy."

The apartment 5-J Film Festival.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

You know you can't return it. Mother had a GPS microchip sewn into the lining.