Family Life Comedian Pillows

"Let's start screaming now. It's five AM somewhere."

'Married, divorced, remarried, then divorced when my second wife married my first wife - that's it in a nutshell.'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

Growth Charts

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"