Family Dynamics Comedian Pillows

Text messaging to son in bathroom.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Growth Charts

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

"Mother! How? Wait — where’s Dad?!"

"Mom! Kathy's feeding her liver to the dog! Want to see the video?"

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'I'm just going to say my prayers. Any requests?'