Family Life Humorists Pillows

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

"We have big news!"

Scooting Death

'Mom, Dad's broken, again.'

"My parents said I could move back into my old room, but they forgot to mention they sold the house 7 years ago."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."