Family Humor Expert Pillows

"You heard me. This is it. We had a three-picture deal."

'If your mother asks, it's water buffalo.'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

Graph Your Relatives!

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

Dad Trophies

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."