Family Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'Daddy doesn't know why birds migrate. Ask me about ways to avoid probate.'

'Son, I want to talk to you about the birds, the bees, and the attorney client privilege.'

'Well this is awkward.'

'My son is a corporate communications director. He never calls and he never writes.'

'Happy Mother's Day! Here's your gift - I'll be back later for dinner!'

'I appreciate your memo calling for more tolerant and forgiving parents. Now, what did you do this time?'

'He had a heart attack when his son volunteered to shovel his walk.'

'Either my waterbed is leaking... or I am.'

"Let's not forget who wears the plumage in this family."

'My son's a telemarketer and STILL he doesn't call.'

'I knew it was too good to last.'

"Mom, was I thoroughly vetted before I was born?"

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

'I'm not giving you a lift. If you want to run away from home, run.'

"Son, your mother and I want another child."

'I did think a few more of mine would've moved on by now...'

"It's 'Honor thy Father and Mother', not brother!"

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

"Boy, is your father going to be surprised!"

"My boyfriend is the son my parents always wanted."

'Hello, mother? Have you got that voodoo book out of the library again?'

'I must be slipping in my old age. Yesterday I completely forgot to annoy my parents.'

'They're like two peas in a pod - both bottle fed!'

'It's only for a day or two. Mother's Day present.'

"It was touch and go, but your suggestion to kiss the boo-boo really helped."

'I had to get a temporary second job -- all our kids needed braces.'

Would my mother be a pushy, nosy mother-in-law? I dunno...ask her.

'I refuse to commit all afternoon at your mother's without a viable exit strategy.'

'It's easy to slag off other people's work, much harder to do better yourself...so Daddy's made a career out of slagging off other people's work.'

"Put it on my tab."

"Looks like he's found a loop hole."

Father's Day: Celebrate the union between a man and a woman!

"I don't care if your friend wants to hear a bedtime story. Please stop texting her."

'Yeah, I guess this is a dumb invention. By the way, your mother is on her way over.'

'That one I got in my daughter's bedroom!'