Family Comedy Aficionado Pillows

'What, you squished it? That's not an it. That was your son Larry, or the 'runt of the litter' as you liked to call him, remember?'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Suffering from Cooties?

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

Dad Trophies

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

The Family Joules: Part 5

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

'His dad was!'

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'I want you to bring me one.'

'He didn't learn that from me!'

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

"I can't mow the lawn today. A bug just flew up my nose."

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".