Household Comedians Pillows

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'Sign here please.'

"Officer, the washing machine ate my brother!"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"It was better before God took up knitting."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Soup of the month.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."