Comedian Of The Household Pillows

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Soup of the month.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"That's it. We’re toast."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Like death by salad.'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Graph Your Relatives!

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

Growth Charts

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'