Household Comedian Pillows

You Must Be This Tall - To Have An Opinion

"My feet aren't gross. They simply show 'honest wear'".

Inconsiderate.

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

Snowman in the Freezer.

'I DO NOT pamper the dog - Now get out of his chair!'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Soup of the month.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

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