Household Comedian Gifts

You Must Be This Tall - To Have An Opinion

"My feet aren't gross. They simply show 'honest wear'".

Inconsiderate.

'I hate it when he begs for table scraps.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

Snowman in the Freezer.

'I DO NOT pamper the dog - Now get out of his chair!'

10 commandments if God was a Woman...

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Soup of the month.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Like death by salad.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!