Household Chore Comedian Gifts

"WHY did you get rid of the vacuum cleaner?"

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Kitchen Tetris

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Washing Line Walker

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'