Home Comedian Gifts

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'Harold is so overjoyed about your trip, Mother, he's speechless!'

'Did you see her slyly turn off the heating?'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Galileo, I've had about enough of all your gravity experiments!"

Happy Brithday

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Search for Missing Socks

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Carpet Cows