Home Humorist Gifts

'I told you nylon carpets were a mistake.'

"You rang?"

'And the 4th bedroom?'

Re-Purposing

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Of course there's a solution - buy a three seater settee.'

'I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner for Xmas. She gave me this!!'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Honey, there's a clog in the sink!"

'I had no idea sticky-notes had expiration dates.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Working from home

'I'm not asking for the world...but couldn't you at least run the dishwasher while I'm out jumping over the moon?'

'We interrupt this Congressional scandal to bring you the following White House scandal....'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'We have to move -- all our warranties have expired.'

'It's his latest manifesto, but I'll just keep calm and carry on.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Home, Bittersweet Home.

'That's not exactly a vote of confidence.'

'Where's the milk? And the veggie platter. . . Gee I wonder what's on the bottom shelf.'

Fur balls are never wasted at our house...

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"We also argue about which way the toilet paper roll should hang."

"Okay, I get the message."

Yard Sale

Germany in Lockdown

"You're sitting on the cat"

The little door is mine. The big one is the servants' entrance.

It turns out that odor inside your wall wasn't a dead rodent, exactly.

Fortunately, he loves treats, so he was easy to train.

"I bought this awesome wonder bra."

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

"This is our lazy Susan. We had her on the dining room table but she was just always in the way. So, we moved her in here."