Home Life Humorist Gifts

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"All I said was, 'I'll take out the garbage when I'm ready'."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing."

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'She'll never look for me here.'

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Peter

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

Yard Sale

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"But I use all of them!"

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

I haven't been down there since last Valentine's day. I want to check on a couple who asked me to rekindle their romance. A year ago I told them that thanks to me they'd be spending more time together and less time at their offices. I said I'd make it so they'd have lots of nights at home ordering some take-out and watching a movie. They must be very happy with me. All I did was shoot an arrow of love, but apparently they think I caused some sort of pandemic to happen!

"There goes our early night."

"Just the slippers is fine!"

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"You're back. Hold on … just give me a minute."