Modern Home Humorist Gifts

'And this is the walk-in laundry chute.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

Yard Sale

Peter

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

How to Build a Bungalow

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'