Household Humorist Gifts

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...

'We have no use for an encylopedia in this house. My husband thinks he knows everything.'

'It's disgraceful the way they build houses so close together!'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

How men shop for towels.

'Someday, if you're not careful, this could all be yours.'

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

Cat is Ruler of the House.

This Semester's Report Card

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Dish Soap And A Soap Dish Sharing A Nice Laugh

'See - the last thing I want to do is upset you.'

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Time to do laundry."

'Remember, it's still your turn to do the dishes.'

Snake charmer.

'I got you the huge warehouse size detergent. I know it's heavy, but just wake me up and I'll pour it in the washer for you.' 'My man. So big, so strong, so helpful.'

'Do you have to do that now?'

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

'Let's play house — you come home drunk, and I'll slug you wiht a frying pan.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'...Then I swept down the staircase, into the ballroom.'

"My dishwasher isn't working. He got fired yesterday."

Double-glazing salesman's spiel sends household to sleep.

"Why do we need a lint trap in the dryer when our bellybuttons trap it just fine?"

'Sorry. Blame gravity. If I could float across the room, you know I would.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"No, I didn't wash the paper plates. I put them in the dish washer."

Tools of the Trade

"I hate the feeling of a cold toilet seat."

The mysteries of man-land.

"I'm adding the laundry room and kitchen to your GPS. Judging by all the clothes and dishes in your room, you don't know the locations."

"Now, who used this whole box of detergent?"

"I'd like my vacuum cleaner

'I guess you have another excuse for not taking out the garbage.'