House Humorist Gifts

A shedding cat applies for a room.

"Well, you asked for a penis extension."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I was in the catering corps.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Amy Sedaris

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

Avocado Timeline

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

The secret lives of household things.

'He's all eyes!'

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

'Beware you don't trip over him!'