House Guest Humor Gifts

I had hoped to file a missing persons report by now, but he won't leave.

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'