House Guest Humor Gifts

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"