Houseguest Humorist Gifts

'Ever get the feeling we've overstayed our welcome?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I was in the catering corps.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

Amy Sedaris

Avocado Timeline

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'He's all eyes!'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

The secret lives of household things.

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

Decaying corpse

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'