Humor Host Gifts

'I take it you're new to painting miniatures?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Grimm's Reality Tales.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"We interrupt C.B.S.'s evening news with a special bulletin from N.B.C.!"

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

Man Reading story 'U.F.O. Sighted' with alien peeking over his shoulder.

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

Tabloid clippings.

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!