Television Humorist Gifts

'That fugitive looks just like our financial advisor.'

Poor Ed McMahon, he never wins any prizes

'I've never killed a deer before but I'll take a shot at it.'

'Cereal's not all that expensive -- why is everybody always trying to steal it?'

'It's on the Religion Channel.'

"Canned food, canned music, canned laughs. Yes we can."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

'Run, run, as fast as you can!'

Barbeque Casualty.

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Snowman ice fishing.

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

German School

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

'It's not a desert island - it's Australia.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.