Celebrity Humorist Gifts

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Dirty Harry

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Champagne at the hunt

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'They're pinching my toes!'

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"Hey, I'm a big fan of your work. I loved you in Godzilla!"

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

Hollywood in tiny glimpses

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'Thank God I don't live in a Jimmy Choo!'

Now playing: 'The passion of big box office profits'.

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

'I don't know where he's getting it from, but it happens every time I ask him to fetch my slippers.'

'There's not much call for human flies these days.'

'You may be a werewolf but we prefer computer generated special effects. It looks much more real.'