Comic Humorist Gifts

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

'Run, run, as fast as you can!'

Football Chameleon

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"Why didn't you simply open the window?"

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Did you get my tweet?"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Barbeque Casualty.

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Fishing from the Pier

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"I don't think I can fit that into my schedule, Irv. I've got a fishing boat to attack this morning, a beach to terrorize this afternoon and a feeding frenzy this evening!"

"She looks just like in your photos."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet