Houseguest Humorist Pillows

'Ever get the feeling we've overstayed our welcome?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I was in the catering corps.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Amy Sedaris

Avocado Timeline

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

The secret lives of household things.

'He's all eyes!'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

Decaying corpse

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'