Hot House Humorist Pillows

Vine-Gripened Tomatoes

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

Carpet Cows

'Careful, it's not politically correct to say I rule the roost anymore...'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

Hot dog warmer

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

Mistress Talking to Maid

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.