Hot House Humorist Pillows

Vine-Gripened Tomatoes

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

'Careful, it's not politically correct to say I rule the roost anymore...'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Carpet Cows

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Mistress Talking to Maid

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

Hot dog warmer

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?