Hot Humorist Pillows

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"Because you're a mechanic, we're going to do your hydrotherapy in a car pool."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

Gangsta wrap.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

Hipster Police Department

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'My boss collects stupid hats, Is yours for sale?'

"I knew Heaven would be by Chanel."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

Hot dog warmer

'Your mom too? Always saying, 'You never do anything constructive.''

"Lucky you were wearing your hard-hat!"

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

Steak Lovers.

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'My guess is, you might be running the jets too high...'

"Vinyl records? Actually, wax cylinders are where it's at now."

"Do you really think this will work?"