Hot Humorist Gifts

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Designer Kangaroo Pocket

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

"Because you're a mechanic, we're going to do your hydrotherapy in a car pool."

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

Gangsta wrap.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Hipster Police Department

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

Hot dog warmer

"I knew Heaven would be by Chanel."

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'My boss collects stupid hats, Is yours for sale?'

'Your mom too? Always saying, 'You never do anything constructive.''

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

"Lucky you were wearing your hard-hat!"

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

Steak Lovers.

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"Your brochure led me to believe it'd have a more temperate climate."

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'My guess is, you might be running the jets too high...'

Veggie Coffee House. Oh, no, another beet poet.