Eternal Houseguest Humorist Pillows

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Champagne at the hunt

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'My father carried this sign before me, as did his father before him.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

Mistress Talking to Maid

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'A Dust Cow'.

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'