Eternal Houseguest Humorist Pillows

I had hoped to file a missing persons report by now, but he won't leave.

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

Champagne at the hunt

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'My father carried this sign before me, as did his father before him.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'A Dust Cow'.

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

Man to wife about book: 'Honey, I think the novel wants out.'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."